When I was 44, the high blood pressure gene kicked in and I had to start taking pills for blood pressure. 

The first drug that I was prescribed worked ok but I developed a cough a month or two after starting it. My doctor told me that we’d try another drug. 

I asked the doctor why he was so sure that the drug caused the cough and not something else. He said the drug always causes a cough. The only reason that he tried it is that the insurance companies insist on trying it first because it’s so cheap. It’s more cost-effective to have all blood pressure patients try it first and keep the few who don’t start coughing on the drug and then have everyone else move to other drugs. 

A couple of years ago, my doctor added water pills to the mix. The theory is that the pills get rid of extra water which lowers blood pressure. It also dehydrates you so that you pass out if you exercise too hard. That’s okay, it’d been a while since I’d ridden an ambulance anyway. 

About 6 months ago, I developed sore nipples. Spare me the jokes. If I haven’t already said them, then I’ve definitely already heard them. I’d’ve been a lot happier with a real butch ailment like an arm slashed by a tiger. Instead, I have to go to my doctor with “Ooh! Me nipples hurt awful!”

It turns out that this was also a known side effect of the water pill. As he wrote up a prescription for a different water pill, I told him that I almost didn’t report the problem because of embarrassment. 

He said “In that case, you’d’ve been here soon enough. The next stage of this is that you grow breasts.”

Sonova… I wish I was making this sh1t up. 

A few days on the new pill and the muscles in my arms and legs are cramping up. “Oh yeah,” said my doctor. “This pill is known to sometimes flush out your potassium and cause cramping.”

I stopped talking the new pill and the cramps were gone in a couple of days. After a couple of weeks, we’ll move to something else. 

It could be interesting. 

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