I’m fine 

Pam hates it when I call/text her and start with “I’m fine.” This is because I usually follow this with “I’ve fallen off a horse and got dragged for 20 yards” or “I hit a deer” or “I blacked out at the gym, fell on some weight equipment, and now I’m in an ambulance on my way to the hospital.”

The last one was fairly recent. I was working out with my personal trainer guy, sprinkling the conversation with things like “I feel nauseous”, “I feeling really overheated”, and “Everything’s going dark”.

On hearing this, personal trainer guy would sometimes say “Let’s break for a minute. Other times, PTG would say “Just a few more <whatever the hell we were doing>”.

After setting a new personal best for bench presses, I tried to sit up and was hit with another wave of darkness and nausea. I lay back down on the bench.

I repeated this a couple of times and then I threw up a bit in my mouth. “Bucket!” I croaked.

PTG ran off to get a bucket. I followed him because I was stupid. Things went black and I found myself bouncing off the pull-down machine. Fortunately, my rib cage, just to the left of the solar plexus, and my noggin broke my fall.

I rolled over onto my back on the floor and watched and listened to pandemonium break out. Someone said “Just lay on your back while we get someone to look at you.” That seemed like a brilliant plan because I didn’t feel like going anywhere. Two or three Protection Services guys showed up and started doing first aidy things. Then the medical team showed up (we have a medical team?) to do more first aidy things. Then the paramedics showed up, stuffed me into an ambulance, and took an EKG.

While I was lying on the gym floor, I had time to reflect on what had happened. This had all of the signs of me working out too hard. I’d’ve stopped long before I’d gotten to this point because I don’t like nausea or watching things go dark. Which is why I’d been sprinkling the conversation with my symptoms. From my perspective, this incident was caused by overdoing the workout. But, boy, you have one heart attack and everything’s gotta be related to the heart attack.

Back to the ambulance: the paramedic took an EKG and I was told that I hadn’t had a heart attack but they were taking me to the hospital anyway to check my ribs, neck, and noggin.

I called Pam to let her know what was happening. Yes, I did start the conversation with “I’m fine.” Interestingly, the paramedic looked aghast and said “You’re not fine. You bashed your chest and your noggin and we’ve gotta check your neck.” Fortunately, Pam didn’t hear that.

We got to the hospital. Long story short (I know. Too late.): my chest, neck, and noggin are fine. They figure that I overdid the workout.

But really, I’m fine.

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