a story of a lesser known allergy

I heard this story in the mid-late seventies. “Norbert” swears that it’s true.

Norbert had had a heart attack and had been hospitalized for a few days. After recovering at home for a while, he went to see an out-patient nurse about how to maintain a new, heart-attack-free lifestyle. This nurse was one of the classic nursing matrons with a condescending tone that really gets up your nose.

“Now, Mister Norbert, we will have to make changes in our lifestyle, won’t we? We cannot smoke and drink and not exercise the way that we used to can we?”

This got up Norbert’s nose too. She had a superior tone of voice that seemed increasingly undeserved.

The nurse filled out a questionnaire about Norbert’s health, asking Norbert the questions, judging the answers and then writing them down.

“Any allergies?”

Inspiration hit Norbert in a flash and before he had time to consider whether this was a good idea, he said “Well. One. but it’s rather embarrassing.”

“Mister Norbert. I assure you that I’m a professional and that there is nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“Well, it’s… cunilingus.”

The nurse said nothing.

“It causes a rash all over my face.” Norbert moved his hand to indicate most of his face. “I’ve asked doctors about it but they say that the only treatment is abstinence. I’ve tried, but,” Norbert shrugged and gave a half-smile. “The flesh is weak.”

The nurse continued to say nothing but seemed to be furiously studying her form.

Norbert wondered what she was going to do. Would she call him a liar? Or storm out?

She wrote something down and continued with the questionnaire. Without the condescending, superior banter.

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