The cast:

Remy and Roxanne Roberts
Sylvester (Sly to his friends) and Sally Simpson
Tim and Tina Thompson
Victor and Valerie Vegas
Wade and Wilma Williams
Zack and Zelda Zimmerman

The plan:

Our heroes went on another cruise. This one was to leave from and return to Honolulu and visit Maui, Hilo, Kona, and Kauai in between.

10/17 – Let’s go to Honolulu

Even though everyone was starting from (pretty much) the same place, they wound up taking different routes. The Simpsons, Thompsons, Williamses, and Zimmermans (Zimmermen ?) took the same plane from Grand Rapids to Chicago. From Chicago to San Francisco, the Thompsons and Zimmermen took one plane and the Simpsons and Williamses took another. Then they all met in San Francisco and took the one plane together to Honolulu.

Sly brought an enormous bag of butter-garlic pretzel sticks for the last flight and acted as the pretzel stick fairy, distributing pretzels to the gang.

The hotel was literally across the street from the beach and the rooms had views of the beach, Diamond Head, or both.

After settling into their hotel rooms, they went across the street to enjoy the beach. Alcohol was also enjoyed.

10/18 – Circle tour of Oahu

They went on a circle tour of Oahu. The driver/tour guide was named Fabio. Fabio was a local Hawaiian who seemed to be related to all other Hawaiians.

Fabio took them to some rock formations on a cliff by the coast. Remy took the opportunity to lay on one of the more perilous-looking rocks in a way that reminded some folks of “From Here to Eternity”.

They also went to <secret name redacted> beach on the southeast side of Oahu. After splashing around for a while, Zack got out of the water to put his ring away. He was worried that he might lose his ring in the water. (This is some very clever foreshadowing on the narrator’s part.)

Around lunchtime, Fabio took them to a truck-stop run by his cousin for garlic shrimp. For those who didn’t want garlic shrimp, there were also garlic hot dogs. Some of the group were distressed to have to peel the shells off the shrimp. The locals didn’t seem to mind.

Speaking of distress, some of group found that the shrimp “went right through” them.

Later, on North Shore beach, they tried to go snorkeling but the waves were too rough. There were orange flags on the “no swimming” signs so they went swimming instead. There was a pretty good undertow at the shore, so when the waves knocked someone down, the undertow would slam them further down. This is when another wave would come along and grind people’s faces into the sand. There was a lot of photographic evidence taken on this.

Zack discovered that when you got further out past the undertow, there was an even stronger undertow that would carry you out to sea if you weren’t careful.

Roxanne found this out the hard way and was sent out to sea faster than she could swim back. Sally swam out to help Roxanne but wound up with the same problem. Fortunately, Sly rescued Roxanne and Fabio rescued Sally.

Sand got everywhere

10/19 – Pearl Harbor and a Luau

Pearl Harbor

In the morning, they all went to Pearl Harbor. There were a number of historical exhibits including a documentary on the attack. This was followed by a boat ride around the Arizona Memorial.

The afternoon included surfing lessons for Sly, Zack, Wilma, and Wade. By the end of the lesson, Sly, Zack, and Wilma were all ready for their surfer-dude licenses. Wade was not.

The Luau

That night, they all went to a luau. This was an outdoor event in a park by the beach. There a few dozen tables that sat 12 or so people, a number of cultural exhibits around the perimeter of the table area, and a stage for the show.

Wade had been told about luaus and that the dancers were very beautiful and scantily clad. He was led to expect some very good ogling. Just before the hula dancers started, Remy told Wade that she’d spoken with some of the dancers and had discovered that they were only 17 or 18 years old. Because of this, Wade found that instead of ogling half-naked women, he was suppressing an urge to tell the dancers to put on some sweaters and bulky pants.

When Remy was talking with the dancers, they invited her to go onstage when they did a hula lesson. Remy said that she would but only if she could take a friend with her. The dancers agreed. However, Remy’s friend Roxy didn’t want to dance because she had a bum ankle. Remy surveyed some of the other women but they weren’t interested either.

Wade realized that Wilma wasn’t around when Remy asked the other women for volunteers and he knew that jumping on stage and shaking her tush was right in Wilma’s wheelhouse. He said to Remy “Ask Wilma, She’ll do anything.”

When Wilma returned, Remy asked her if she wanted to shake her tush onstage (the narrator is paraphrasing) and Wilma agreed.

When the time came, the hula dancers grabbed Remy, Wilma, and a few other volunteers from the audience and took them onstage. Once there, the ladies were told to face the back of the stage and start shaking their hips hula-style. They put on a fine performance and were soon shaking their hips like the Hawaiians.

10/20 – Embarking

The twelve-some made their way to the port where the Pride of America was waiting for them. There were some minor difficulties getting there because the bus couldn’t get to the hotel because the roads were closed for a parade. The twelve-some made their own parade as they walked with all of their luggage to the spot where they hoped that their ride would be.

Wilma had been fighting off a cold for the last few days and had lost most of her voice overnight. Wade asked Wilma if she was okay. Wilma said that she felt fine even though her voice sounded awful. Having established that Wilma felt fine, Wade said to Wilma: “Could you please say ‘Homer, why did you buy me a bowling ball?'” The results were hilarious. Wilma’s voice now sounded just like Marge Simpson’s.

10/21 – Maui – The Road to Hana

Maui was the first stop on the cruise. The group took another circle tour but this time it was around Maui. As they were driven around, the tour guide told them what they were looking at. The tour guide, Damien, was another “local boy” who was also related to everyone else on the island. We never met any of his relatives because they were all in church. Damien had a curious habit of saying “Don’t you agree?” after saying things like “Isn’t that pretty?”, “Isn’t nature wonderful?”, and “The mainlanders will be first against the wall when the revolution comes!”

The heroes did get to explore a couple of beaches and landmarks.

10/22 – Still Maui – Another Beach

The gang rented a couple of cars and drove over to Lahaina on the west side of Maui. There was another beach and once again, the waves were of the “throw them on the ground and grind their faces in the sand” variety.

As an added bonus, the waters also slipped Zack’s ring off his finger.

10/23 – Hilo

Wade noticed that the name “Hilo” was used by one of the characters in the Battlestar Galactica reboot, but kept it to himself. Wade later mentioned it to Wilma who said “Just keep on keeping it to yourself. I have to drink with these people!”

The Simpsons, Roberts, Valerie, and Tim went on a helicopter tour of the big island inside Kilauea. They got up close and personal with the volcano. The Williamses were too cheap to go.

Tina, Victor, the Williamses, and the Zimmermen explored Hilo with the aid of the Hoppa On Hoppa Off transit system. Once Victor and Wade figured out that the girls were intent on kiddie clothes shopping, they decided to Hoppa Off the island. They waited until after stopping at the candy factory first. The rest of them went to another beach.

This went the way of all plans since the girls didn’t actually do any more shopping and went exploring at a black beach and pointed at sea turtles.

10/24 – Kona

They went snorkeling on a mostly rocky beach. They also found time to explore a farmers’ market and do some shopping.

10/25 – Kauai

They spent the afternoon/evening on a sunset cruise. They sailed north along the coastline. At one point a pod of dolphins came by and splashed around.

10/26 – Still Kauai

The gang, except for Victor and Wade, went tubing in a sometimes underground river. They were outfitted with crash helmets and headlamps.

The Roberts, Zimmermen, Simpsons, Thompsons, and Valerie went on another helicopter ride. The Williamses were still too cheap to go.

Throughout the week, Wilma had been taking hula lessons with a group of 20ish people. The lessons lasted about an hour and there’d been 5 of them. There were 3 songs that they were going to dance to. 

On this day, they were to perform the dances in front of everybody in a central area of the ship. Wilma put on a fine performance and is now a certified hula dancer.

10/27 – Disembark and Zelda’s birthday

Everyone left the ship in the morning. 🙁

The Robertses and Simpsonses felt an unfortunate rush to get back to their lives so they flew home on this day. Zelda had a significant birthday on this day and didn’t want to spend all of it on an airplane.

The remaining gang spent more time at the beach across from the hotel. Later on, they helped Zelda celebrate her <redacted>th birthday.

10/28 – Honolulu

In the afternoon, the eightsome went to the airport to catch the red-eye to Chicago.

10/29 – Grand Rapids

In the afternoon, our red-eyed heroes staggered around O’hare airport while they waited for the bunny-hop over to Grand Rapids.

Once they got to Grand Rapids, the cold, damp, reality of Michigan set in.