In Kafka, I wrote about a joke of mine that fell completely flat. I was informed, in no uncertain terms, that no one reads Kafka, much less his Metamorphosis.

I’d read Metamorphosis in high school because some of my college buddies told me about its opening sentence: “As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.” With an opening like that, there are worlds of possibilities. This had to be the beginning of one of the most mind-bendingly fascinating stories ever.

I bought the book and started to read it. I was full of optimistic expectation of a story odder than the ending to “2001: A Space Odyssey”. Instead I got a mind-numbingly boring treatise on man’s inhumanity to man, alienation, and why we should all kill ourselves before we kill each other. I’d already known that Russian writers could be depressing but this was down to a whole new level.

I was telling Pam how disappointed I was that such a great opening line would lead to such a crappy story. It could have had space aliens; unknown hidden races that live among us; variations of The Fly; a new step in human evolution; he coulda been bitten by a radioactive cockroach fer gosh sakes.

Pam said “Maybe you should write it then.”

Hmmmm. I hadn’t thought of that. My first thought was “I’m too lazy for that.” It’s true. I am pretty lazy. Maybe I could try a few plot outlines.

As Billy Mouse awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.
His wife, family, and the rest of society were the same kind of douchebags that I read about in Metamorphosis but A) the story wouldn’t be as long and boring and B) he uses his super gigantic insect powers to kill them all.

I like it. It’s a start. What else have I got?

As Billy Mouse awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.
Billy had been to a science exhibit the previous day and had been bitten by a radioactive cockroach. He now had a cockroach’s proportionate strength and an urge to decimate residential property values. His uncle Ben told Billy just before Ben died “With gross and disgusting power comes gross and disgusting responsibility.” Then Ben died because <reasons> and Billy feels guilty and fights crime and stuff. At least his editor, Jonah Jameson, has a better reason to hate cockroach-man¹.

As Billy Mouse awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.
Billy wasn’t the first to undergo this metamorphosis. He’d read how many others were transforming into giant insects. The only thing that they had in common was that they were all in their early twenties. Scientists had realized that everyone would make this transformation at this age and all of humanity would become gross disgusting gigantic insects.

As Billy Mouse awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.
The space aliens were pleased. Billy hadn’t woken from the transformation process. They weren’t worried about the uneasy dreams. They were ready to start transforming the rest of the world into giant slaves in preparation for the invasion.

As Billy Mouse awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.
Ever since he’d used the teleportation unit a few days ago, he’d been feeling ill. The unit had never caused problems before but this time, the diagnostics showed that a cockroach was in the unit when Billy last used it. Billy hadn’t been too worried until he started feeling ill.

As Billy Mouse awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.
OK, I stole this from some 50s short story. Everybody’s a giant insect but they don’t know it because of <techno-babble>. But Billy’s hide-the-giant-insect device is on the fritz and now everyone can see Billy for what he really is but don’t know that they’re monsters too. Ooh! Gosh that’s deep.

That’s all that I’ve got for now. And I like them all better that Kafka’s Metamorphosis.

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